New Beginning... Old Values

Why Her?

2011-09-23T12:26:00.001-07:00

Ever since Candice is born, marriage and love between us was a roller-coaster ride. We could be lovey-dovy one day and then frown at each other the very next day. What has gone wrong?

I can only admit that I play a part in this. It takes 2 to clap. I've read an article saying that how to detect and look for tell-tale sign that will eventually lead to a divorce. Firstly, its eye-rolling syndrome. Any mistake or unhappiness, you tend to bottle it up or eye roll at it. Nothing is ever talked abt and nothing is ever solved. In trying to maintain peace, I have been doing this too many time. There is no real peace. Hard feelings are only bottled up and easily triggered again next incident.

I can only say that recently I've felt very left out. I felt that in her new job, she has begun to turn selfish and self-centered. Perhaps I'm becoming selfish myself that I think this way. Anyway, I can only attribute that to her new environment. I believe stress can make ppl especially ill-tempered, let alone she is all along quick-tempered. No hard feelings towards her though, but as times goes by, I felt that my silence is taken for granted. I felt that i'm not being respected, not as a man, but simply not as a family member. She tends to make all decision, without really asking what were my opinions. I felt very unregarded.

As time goes by, I just kept quiet. Like what the article pointed out, nothing is ever being solved. I don't know how to bring this up to her. I only know that if this is ever brought up, things will just turn ugly. I don't see how she's in the mood to discuss this. Maybe I am being unreasonable as well. I've looked at myself, and I realised that the eye rolling syndrome is taking a toll at me. I'm simply bottling it up, only to just fall into silence when I feel that she start to be unreasonable. Sometimes, quite abruptly, that she herself is being confused. I like her to ask me or pester me to cheer up. The frequency of it happening is very rare.

I feel that I love her very much. But since Candice is part of us, I prefer to turn my attention to Candice whenever the silence start. I just ignore her. I know all these are never going to change anything. I am at my wits end too. I just hope it won't get too serious, that it will hurt our relationship. As of now, I know that she loves me deeply, and I definitely love her more. Whatever the case, I value this relationship as much as my life. I've seen a good friend of mine going through hardship in maintaining his marriage life. I know that I'm not trying hard enough.

I promise I will try, to rekindle any love lost, and to win her heart with my might. I love you, Sharon Lee. But maybe you can consider my feelings more?

Many, as well as myself, has asked me what did I look in Sharon that I have her as my wife. To date, I don't know. Many description like "I knew she's the one once I met her" or "She's the one that made me complete" are very true. However if you really want to attribute it to a reason or substance, I can't give an answer. To date, I really don't know. I once read that true love are like this. You won't stop loving her whatever she becomes, because there is not a reason that you started loving her in the first place. Furthermore, to date, I never come across anyone who made me felt like what she did. In summary, I don't know why I love her, but i do.

20 Months and counting....

2011-07-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Candice is officially 20 months and 3 weeks old...

I don't mean to pretend that I've aged a lot, but looking back at how Candice was since her birth, I finally realise what's growing up. Many told me when your child hit age of 12, you feel as thought she was born 6 months ago..... how true!!

I have not been writing for almost a year, and I don't know what happened to me today. But i just felt sentimental, though I've almost forgot the existence of this blog, but hey, I'm back!! Don't ask for a date for the next entry though...

Candice is a smart girl (I believe all parents thinks that way of their children). She is very interested in Barney and iPad. Yes, its really iPad. She mutters "Barney" and "iPad" during her sleep. Anyway, that's her daily sleep routine. An hour of Barney before she turns in.

Although older generation may frown on introducing iPad, and I have my reservations as well, watching how she learns through different games on iPad pushes all worries away. Traditional methods of storybooks and stuffs doesn't work on her. She's just too active to sit there and learn, and her attention span is too short. But with an iPad in front of her, she will just sit there and fiddle around with it for the longest time she would , compared to the rest of the things in the world.

I wished she could go to school, but she's too young for that. I've enrolled her, but i don't understand why that childcare center doesn't even bother to call me back. Everytime I call up, the principle will not be in (apparently she is the only one who can deal with enrollments). I've registered as soon as Candice turn 18 months, and to date, not a single response from them. Well, even if they call now, I won't risk Candice to attend that kind of school.

I've also changed my job, and is a member of Otis Elevator. I'm enjoying every moment as yet, and I'm glad that I've stepped out of my comfort zone. Well, it wasn't a real comfort zone to be frank. Wifey also changed her job, and is also enjoying her new jobscope as well!

Nonetheless, my life continues to evolve around Candice, but now that she's bigger, i have more free time. My MIL is the best MIL in the world who never complains when Sharon and I goes over very late, and sometimes we will just leave it at her care while we go have some time for ourselves!! I'm glad that my MIL shares this responsibility, but I'm not going to take her willingness for granted. I know how tiring it is to look after Candice, and MIL may one day gets worn out doing that.

As a result of wifey travelling for her regional job, Candice stays over at my MIL place, as my MIL feels that I may have a hard time taking care of her(which i can do that very well). Candice has grown very attached to my MIL, and I believe Candice places my MIL in her No.1 place now. I have no complains though, just a bit jealous, but hey, its my own doing that caused this afterall.

Anyway, I will just hope that Candice could have everything she needs in life, and I hope I'm able to provide for her. I just hope that she can enjoy her time while being my child, and I try not to have any expectations for her. Not that she won't achieve it, but I feel that she should be able to choose and live her life, just the way she wants to. I hope she could pursue her own dreams, with utmost honesty and integrity. I will try to shape her attitude and integrity, and will leave the rest to her own decision when she grows older.

Meanwhile, I will still be doing many of the decisions for her.....

Fatherhood....Finally...

2010-07-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's been 8 months...

I can't really find an adjective for it... but its called parenting. I haven't changed (although many says I did...) a bit for her... But I'm willing to it needs to be. Honestly, doing things for her sake is like almost dutifully. It doesn't feel like a task. Its rather like a responsibility.

I mean she's helpless of anything except feeding and opposite of that, cries and smiles according to her emotions. What else? Basically u make every single decision and every needs of her is taken care of.

Of course, there are like waking up 4 am to change her diapers, or waking up 5.30am because she wakes up that time... then sleeps at 6.15am again which leaves u wondering whether to go back to sleep or prepare for work....

To say I enjoy it? No... not really... I hate it?? Not a single bit.

I think I would say I'm willing to take up this responsibility. To those who thinks its easy. Let me tell u there are lots of sacrifice to be made.

To those who feel that they are not up to it, they should try it out. No room for regrets, but there are no perfect parents. (Now I know why....)

Of course, I must say thank you to my wife. Honestly, she made this transition slightly easier. She allows me to do whatever I feel like doing and she's definitely taking up responsibility as well.

Although there are many times she feels fustrated about me, she will try to put up with it. I understand that she feel not as loved by me as before (crazy.. I love her more than before...). But honestly, that's because I feel that as a mother u should be more independent already.

I can't say how grateful am I to her. There are times I wish that I could say I love u or sweet mushy things to her like in the past, but sometimes it just get stuck in my throat. When I gathered enough courage... I will be splashed with instant freezing agent like "Crazy" or "What the hell did u do wrong again today..."

One things I miss is how I always plant a kiss on her face or how i would hug her from behind. Anyway.. We are spending most of our time at my MIL place so... how do i do that in front of everyone??

But I honestly love her as much. And I would definitely treasure her as much as Candice. She always feels that Candice is placed higher in my heart. Of course!!!

But I don't think we can survive without her. Period.

I love u Sharon.

I really do.

(I love u 10 times more Candice~~~~)

Its so near yet so far....

2009-10-24T20:39:00.001-07:00

My princess is not rushing to come to this world yet.....

She's enjoying her time now, kicking and relaxing in that little space of hers..... I shall tell u the most amazing thing on earth is to feel her kicks and movements through the tummy.....

That kick reminds me of my responsibility I will be going through. That kick tells me she's healthy. That kick tells me she's coming soon. That kick tells me she's going to be part of my family soon.

Its wonderful to feel her. Its just... amazing.

I getting prepared now. Everything that is needed should be bought already. But the needs changes over time, but this can be taken care of as long as I stay employed.

Its mentality. I didn't use to set example for anyone. I didn't use to educate or groom anyone. I didn't need to provide for anyone. I didn't need to lose sleep to anyone. I didn't have to serve anyone.

Now I have to. Rather soon.

Girl, I will love u....

P.S Your daddy and mummy just can't decide on a name for u. Your mum always comes up with new names while i still prefer Cassius. What do u think?

A Princess coming my way.....

2009-08-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Right... now.....

The essence and the fruits of our marriage...

My little Darling girl coming towards me...... Her birthday is going to be very near mine too.....

Yes... thank you for your blessings for those who had known and generously gave your blessings...

With this girl coming.... it is happiness.... anxiety.....

Its like you anticipate for something to happen... but u never been through it... you know that its so far so good... but u can't help but to ponder about the little mishap that might happen.... you begin to go half empty.....

Well... i guess that's normal.....

If this blog still exist by the time my girl is 20 yrs old, I hope she can answer this question...

Is Alvin Chow a good father?

Are you going to choose him as your father given a choice.....

That's the exact question running through my mind....

How to be a good father?

How to provide the best for her?

How can I make her to be the best out of herself?

Sometimes out of boredom, i would start imagine myself lecturing this little girl of mine.... I began to wonder what type of questions she would ask..... I begin to think how she would call me "Daddy..".... I can also imagine her pouting and throwing that little tantrum of hers to get me to fulfil her wish....

And sometimes I feel that I may not give her what she wants.... I may not be able to provide her with the neccessary conditions for her growth... I may make certain choices that may not be the best for her.....

Everything cost money.... and its so expensive.... Strollers, bed, clothes, milk bottles, milk powder.... I really cannot imagine myself being out of job.....

To think a few months ago i was still thinking that i should do a job that is near my interest... and not do a job because it pays well.....

Ask me again i will do anything that pays well.... Period....

So what if i'm enjoying myself.... so what if I enjoy working...

The real enjoyment is to watch her grow up with everything she needs.....

I assure u darling.... Your father will try my best.....

Do not blame me if I didn't suceed....

Cassius.... I love you....

(That the best name i thought of so far.... anyone would have any good names to share?)

2009-06-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

1 year after marriage.....

And i can confirm its definitely not the grave of love..... in fact i'm crazily in love.....

okok... not that much as we were still younger and more carefree...... but again..... i'm happy.....

U have this girl in your life who looks to u for everything, and in turn gives u everything and u also make everything works for her. Try as i might, there are definitely something i can't fulfill.... but that's life.......

It makes u responsible, changes yourself to be an example.... wait a min... example.....

Right.... that's for the Jr. Alvin/Sharon coming this November......

She has given me the best present this year.... hopefully the next few years to follow as well... haha......

And yes... I still love her as much.... but... i'm not going to love the child any less.....

I simply can't wait.....

What it takes....

2007-07-11T02:11:00.000-07:00

Recently there are a lot of reports on people killing people... people killing nature.... people killing birds.... people killing mosquitoes.... people killing children.... wait a min.... CHILDREN!!!!!!

This damn bloody irresponsible mother and this damn irritating step father killed their own children in Penang (thank god.... its not in Singapore...) and they said the case was similar to Huang Na. Damn!! This child here is even more cute than Huang Na. Her pic is so alluring that one look u will melt.... like u just wanna cuddle her... wanna make her laugh all the time....

How could somebody just kill her like that..... and worse... she is murdered by fire....

Gross....

I tried not to write abt current affairs... for fear that i might be charged for defamation or maybe worse... racist remarks..... but i just can't take this.....

Sue me for all u like. This parents i mentioned above have no heart. Have no conscious. Have no brain. Have no feelings. Have no soul. Inhumane. Incorrigible. Irresponsible.

They must be those who hate children. They cringe in fear when they hear children screech. They shiver when children cry.

I just can't stand ppl abusing children.

What can possibly make somebody kill? What does it takes to do it? Especially when the victim is a child, bubbly and energetic, a cute and lovely round face, with such down to earth smile and maybe a wonderful voice......

The only creatures i kill without twitching my eyebrow is cockroaches, especially flying ones, mosquitoes, fly, or any insects that tries to harm me or my love ones. Anything bigger than my palm size is out of question. How to kill?

Perhaps for survival, we kill. Like chickens, crabs, birds and fish. We kill them to survive. If not, we die.

So do u have what it takes to kill a human? If i have to kill one, i would probably do it on the battlefield. Out of that, its impossible.

Maybe i am a coward. Maybe i am scared. I will think twice even i pull a punch. Thankfully, my fist haven't hit anyone yet.

Does it mean you are brave when u can kill? I think when u can finally kill, you are an devil. I rather be a coward. I won't kill.

If i finally did, please.....

kill me...

Terminator or procastinator

2007-06-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

Honestly... i dunno what to write here.... i am sick of preaching... sick of self defamatory.... sick of saying sorry..... i think i should just wake up and do my best in whatever i can.... but then.... i am still thinking of it....

Sometimes i think i am a serious procastinator.... i tend to put things off to the last minute.... i don't know why... like studying... if i am not in the mood to study.... no matter how i force myself to do so... the words still look arabic to me..... or if there's space from now till the deadline.... i won't set myself doing it.....

I just don't know why.... and sometimes i feel dear's determination is something i ought to learn.... once she sets her mind on something... she will just do it... and will give her best to achieve it.... i don't know how to describe it... but sometimes i just look at her in awe...

Help... anyone??

Disappointed.... At myself

2007-04-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

Life is really good to me... I am given a wonderful wife, a lovely family, not a bad look(i think i don't look that bad....), good height, nice body (in terms of health), great thinking brains and a good job.

However, like those spoiled brats who doesn't know how good they are, or like those rich man who thinks they are poor, or like an asshole who keep thinking the whole world owes them a living, i didn't appreciate that. Or rather, i didn't put them to good use. Actually i appreciate what i am given, and i am contented with what i have. But, i could have made it better. Better for ppl around me.

I flunged my exams. I could have scored. But because i kept thinking i have time for studies, i didn't have the urgency to do it. I spent my time gaming, kept thinking last minute preparations would be enough.

Great. I got my retribution.

If i am the only one bearing the brute of it, then i won't be that sad. I am feeling sad because that all my promises to my dearest is gone! What I wanted her to have is gone.

I won't give up that easily of course. Those who knows me understand. But, I am really disgusted at myself, like how i lamented why i didn't study harder in poly.

Crying over spilt milk. A good cliche for a guy like me. Who just cannot learn from past mistakes. Ha!

I deserved it. Period.

My Love....

2006-11-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

She is simply what my life is for... i just want her to be happy... at all cost... even it means that i have to suffer.... i will make it happen.... i just want her smile....

I didn't expect that many events and factors coming in when i planned our future.... i made a rather rash decision... and is suffering from the consequences of not planning properly or thinking detailed enough.... never mind that i am now breathless with the weight... but the problem is she is affected... and is almost breathless too.... most importantly.... i am helpless and unable to relieve her load.....

I believe we had come this far.... everything is worth working towards for... but i am willing to give all up if she is unhappy... i just want her to be happy.... never mind what others will say or what we will face...

So long as she wear a smiles like before.... like the days i was dating her.... always cheerful and positive... i am willing to give up anything.... whatever it takes... just for her.....

Happiness....

2006-11-03T12:58:00.000-08:00

I am feeling quite light these few days, as many things that is bugging me seems to be settled one by one... like our renovation, wedding bands, our flat application and lastly exam is finally over. Suddenly feel myself floating again and i simply enjoy this over the air feeling.....

Met my seconday school classmates today and felt that we have grown up. Our topics changed and we chatted a lot... had to call it a day as its getting too late.... But when told abt my weddings, they were all shocked... And i agree with what Juanne said... that i dared and spontaneously took up such a responsibility....

Things weren't as smooth as what i imagined and we had to entertain to many more factors now, and definitely not as simple minded affair anymore... that's the part that i hate.... I won't be able to be myself and enjoy....

Whatever it is... i am prepared to go through these... for i am going to marry a girl whom i loved so much....

But maybe i was wrong all these while... i am beginning to doubt am i as important to her like she is as important to me....

Does she take our relationship and me as serious as how i take....

Maybe i am just too sensitive and want too much from her.....

I hope I am right...

But in her mind there is still somebody.... there is still this unclosed chapter... and she is still bothered with this guy....

In that world of the 2 guys.... i am never in it.... i don't know why.... i feel that she seems to show that we both are so unhappy with each other.... but i feel like telling her if i am in the picture... there won't be anymore allowance for others to make advances.... i feel like telling her to put me into the picture....
but i can't.....

because that would be so artificial.... that would have been so forced... anything forced won't last...

so i hope she will understand one day and wished that she would pride my love for her like how i pride her for being my lovely fiancee.... when u can show others that u are madly in love with one person.... nobody else will try anything funny.... if u show u are faithful... nobody will take u lightly.....

Hope all these go away.... and i hope i am not forcing anything.... because if i am forcing something.... i hope someone can tell me to stop... and i would... because i love her.....

Happiest man?

2006-10-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

I seems to have everything now, as i had chosen to propose to her in the most romantic way, spending all my efforts and guts to do that. My friends were all envious of me, and i indeed, for some time, thought that i had finally achieved something in my life.

Thoughts were always decieving, and reality is the truth. The fact is, following the proposal comes the marriage. After the marriage comes the flat, and after the flat comes the family. And i am not even talking about a car, which is so essential in my job, as well as when it comes to giving her a ride home after a tiring day.

I can afford none of the above said. I have very little left in my savings, or rather i didn't have one. Everything needs money, and sometimes i feel that i am utterly useless when it comes to dollars and cents. I have started working for almost 1 year, but it seems my account is never growing.

I feel that i can't provide her with what i thought i could. I think i am giving everyone a share of my problems. My parents, her parents and her. Everyone have to worry for us, and i have to put on a false front. The thing is, i am just running.

I am really tired, for everything i did, the returns seems so far away. My investment won't mature unless 5 years later, my flat can't earn unless i sell it 5 years later, my degree seems so far away, and my job salary won't increase significantly untill i finish my degree.

All i can do is look back at my poly days and laugh at myself for not working hard enough to be where i am now.

I thought i could give her everything if i worked hard. I thought i could make her life better if i strive hard. I thought i could make her life easier if i put in effort.

I wished i haven't gave any promise, i haven't have any burden. I wished i am capable, i wished i were richer. I wished i could fulfill whatever she asked for. Her tears break my heart, her smiles makes my day.

I hope this nightmare will be over soon. I wished i can rewind the time and took a step at a time. I realised i didn't thought of many things coming. I think i am breaking down soon. Spare me some advice, anyone?

Reactions....

2006-08-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

What is a reaction?

It is how you reply, return your answer, gives out signal how u feel or made your feelings known in a given situation. This above answer is written by me. Not any definition given by Oxford.

And it is precisely how you reply, return your answer, gives out signal how u feel or made your feelings known that will cause the trigger another person's same reaction.

In simple words, reaction trigger reactions.....

I have a talent for complicating things, don't I?

A lot of time, you meant this way and expect certain reactions. Then suddenly your initial assumption is wrongfully taken as another set of meaning, triggering a different set of reaction which either causes the further chains of reactions to explode or go out of control.

I don't know if i am reacting the way i want myself to be, because i feel myself being mistaken so many times. And so many times that i am now numb to it, taking it for granted that the next time things won't be the same anymore.

Used to be able to joke about anything, used to be able to talk about anything, used to be able to ask about anything, used to be able to infringe on anything and now a sudden remark could cause an outbreak of unwanted reactions.

Perhaps keeping quiet at times hoping the reaction will not go out of control doesn't works anymore. Because if the reaction is not completed, the next time to trigger the same reaction will be even easier. I will try to finish this reaction, so that the same triggering occur the next time, there will be no more to react about.

Or perhaps, all my theories are just bullshits.....

What is Love?

2006-08-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Love.... a very strange feeling... and u know it is love only when u feel it.... no other ways to experience it... u could be at the receiving end of love.... but i think nothing beats being reciprocate your love by loving u back.... and that's when u know.... something has just started which is forever.....

Love is blind... which is way something u ponder over why somebody could so something so outrageous for another person. Good or bad, it is really up to individual to judge.... and sometimes its only when u realise u are harming the person u love with your excessive love.... then u realise what wrong have u done.... and by then its too late....

For example, there are some mum who would always complain about everything that causes her son to fail his exam, like lousy teachers to lousy school and perhaps a lousy MOE in Singapore, but failed to reflect on the effort spent on nurturing her son....

This is just a common example that is happening everyday on pretext of love, and because everyone has a different meaning of love, so their actions and their interpretation of love is different...

Some guys spend on lavish gift, only to find their gf wish for more time being together.... some guys spend so much time on her, only to find that they need more materialistic items.... some guys keep certain things from their girl to not let them worry so much, only to realise that their girl wants to hear their problems and share the burden.... some girls wish for guys to listen to them, only to find that whatever they said is taken as complaint....

And it is because of all these different interpretation that requires what is known as communication. That's the main factor which will lead to whether your love is true or reciprocated or not excessive or u get the type of love u want to have, and not what u think what u give is what u want....

Anyway, miscommunication is always happening, as all humans are born different. Whatever it is, sometimes u realise when your gesture of love is being treated otherwise.... hurt comes in.... and things will never be the same as before.....

Fools....

2006-06-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

Humans are born into this world without anything…. Only equipped with their basic instincts…. Then they learn new knowledge…. And then start to developed into some complex creatures with intelligence…. And start to lose their basic instincts…..

Sometimes u feel something is not right somewhere… but u can’t say where its wrong with your intelligence… u just feel it…. And u rely on your intelligence and forget it… finally something goes wrong and u realized how your basic instincts tried to warn u all along…..

I don’t have supernatural power…. But have a knack with my sixth sense… it haven’t disappoint me so far…. When it comes to love…. Everything is lost…. Intelligence… instincts…. U only feel love…. People will say u are a fool… u are simply not using enough brains…. But then…. Love… is the only thing u want….

Only to realize u are the only fool doing the hard work…. U are appreciated…. But the results are not what u wanted…. Fools dream of the future… then expect it to happen one day….. smart ppl will work towards it and make it happen……whatever is it…. Fools and smart ppl might both get the result they wanted…..

What if the results depended on other ppl… fools will carrying on living in their own world…. Expecting it to be happening in their life 1 day….. and finally realize what are they… fools…..

Smart ppl realize they are not going to get what they want… because the result that they wanted depended on somebody they have no control over…. Perhaps they will stop working on it and move on to something they can have control over….

I have been praised as a smart guy before…. And of course… scold fools more than I was praised…. This time… I don’t know what am i…. I can’t act like smart ppl… and don’t wish to be a fool… so what am i…. smart fool? Or foolish smarty?

Hahahahahahaha……

Contradiction II

2006-05-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

There are some ways of life which contradicts each other, for example medicine can cure and harm, or same famous person wants serenity, but some just wants to be famous. This world is of a perfect balance, u win some, u lose some. How many of us can understand that some loses are to balance out the winnings u get later?

Certain things certainly can't be taken for granted. Like how i used to think i will somebody one day, i am getting tired. Like how i think i can control myself, i start to lose control. Like how i thought i can accept certain things, i start to reject them. Like how i think what will mine forever, i start to lose it.

What comes around, turns around. If things aren't meant to be yours, you may have it now, and still lose it somehow.

How true.

Try as you might, dry your creative juices, even seek for advices, you will still lose to destiny. Rotten fruits can never be as tasty than fresh fruits. Good advices always turns to deaf ears.

I used to want to grow up faster. Now that i am there, i want to go back. I want to be as carefree. I want to be as cool when i am taunted. I want to remain neutral to everything. I want love, peace, loyalty and trust. I don't want suspicious, mind games and betrayal.

I am tired. What's my life going to be? How will it turn out to be? Whatever i thought before is totally the opposite now. I thought i will be happy, energetic, optimistic and cool tempered. Now, i think i am sad, lethargic, perssimistic and hot tempered. How to be successful when u are the above? How give happiness to your love ones?

Perhaps, i am really destined to lose.

Life

2006-02-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

I am always a lucky guy since i was young. I have a good family, with lots of cousins to play with, i have loyal and good friends along my journey of my life, some although i have lost contact, but believe me, i still take them as good friends. I have a good girlfriend along with me since i was 19, and she is still with me... and will be always with me.....

Along your life, there are ups and downs. You begin to meet new challenges and you begin to experience new things. At certain point of time, you feel tired, and its always people around you that keeps you going. Today, i realised that i have unknowingly become a person who managed to keep another person going, like people who kept me going on.

Its also along your life, that you begin to realise the previous mistakes you have committed. You begin to find new priorities and you begin to lose something along the way. But fate has its way, that when u lose some, you gain some. Its when you balance up what you have found and what you have lost, that you begin to realise is all this worthwhile.

I have learnt to look back, and i have learnt to admit mistakes that i have made. And i did. So by losing some pride and that ego, i have gained back something which i thought was lost forever. Perhaps its only when you sit down and look back, think what you were once, and then what you were thinking that time, what you value that time, that you begin to realise how much you have grown.

I begin to realise that certain things, meant to be this way, have to happen in this way. Avoiding will only delay what will happen. Its only that you brace yourself up and face what's coming, that will make u grow up. Avoiding will only delay what's going to happen. Avoiding will only make yourself more resistant to changes. I recently read a book on Feng Shui. It states that a person's success is destined prior to birth. But that doesn't mean sitting around waiting for things to happen, will make u successful if you are destined to be sucessful. Like i said previously, Fate, its seems, has its way of making things happen. You are destined to work hard for something, then only rewards comes in. Not always though, but fate, will ensure that your path will lead you to what you are destined to be.

I believe that there are certain good things in this world that i am unable to possess, and there are also certain tragedy that can never happen to me. I gain some, i lose some. I look back and i admit my mistakes. I admit it and i brace myself for what is coming on my way. I grow up. Then, i gained something, something better that what it was when i lost it. Somebody. Who is now better than before.

She....

2006-01-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

She... maybe the face i can't forget... maybe my pleasure or regret....

How true....

She controls my emotion, my life and my thinkings. I worry for her, miss her, care for her and think of her almost all of my free times.....

She is just another next door girl, innocent and demure. Her smiles melt anything under the sun and i just find all my efforts worthwhile just to see her happy. She loves to be pampered. Who could bear let her suffer any pain afterall? She is quick tempered and emotional. She can't take much stress. Why should she? Let me handle all the stress while she enjoys. I loved her with all my might, and really... i just can't lose her.

I really loved her with my whole heart. Its quite amazing how she transformed me, and from the first day our love starts evolving, it grew way of my control now. I couldn't really control myself on issues about her now. Sometimes my love turns into possession. I sometimes just want to own her. But, she needs those open type of love, where she just wants love to be behind her, but not obstructing anything she is doing. She wants to feel loved, she needs my attention and my love at crucial moments. However, sometimes i just cannot seems to control myself, giving her more stress rather and taking the stress away from her. Perhaps, giving too much might just cause imbalance on the lever, only exerting extra force on the other side.

I have been trying now, sorting out what to say and what not to say, so as not to pressure her. I have been in her shoes before. Yes, i am hurt by how things are today. But all she needs now is time. i have all the confidence that i am the ultimate one. So sometimes when we are talking on the phone, we are tongue tied. On one hand, i hoped to ask her everything under the sun, but sometimes too much questions would irritate her as my probing always never fail to give her more weight. She is tired from all the stress that things are today. She herself needs space to sort it out. Hence, no doubt at times i may probe too much, but most of the time, i am really controlling myself not to probe, even sometimes i feel like calling her, i have to hold back. Because i know i would constantly be giving her unknown and invisible pressure, like what i did earlier before now.

She is just so her. She lacks of confident at times and she needs assurance from people around her. Its not really her fault because she is so active, attractive, bubbly and energetic that sometimes, its draws unwanted attraction. Her innocent and untainted mind of hers would treat all approaches as how she used to treat her secondary school friends. She just failed to realise that adults and the world of children is quite a bit different. Nonetheless, she is learning now. Sometimes i wished that i could cushion her fall, wipe her tears and comfort her. But really, sometimes protecting her could mean harming her. She is matured enough now, and sometimes giving her instructions would mean despising her ability to handle her own life. So even though i risk losing her and enduring the pain myself, i allowed her to fall, at least i know that i am beside her should she really need any support to get up.

She loves me, she cares for me. Her love towards me is uncomparable and her heart is really with me. Its just that her love now is not shown as clearly as before, for there is a sudden increase of load of new found responsibilities that she needs to assume at this part of life. There is some changes in both our life now. We are bothing trying to adapt to working life. Perhaps army had created a platform for me to transform towards it easier, and that i can handle stress better. Hence, it would seems that i doesn't have much stress, and is taking it easier than her. I really hate to trouble her when she already has so much to worry, especially now.

She... is really what i would want to have for the rest of my life.

She is my happiness, my sadness, my anger, my pain, my hope, my goal, my desire and what i am going to fight for. She will be what i will be waiting for........

She....

World of contradiction....

2005-12-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in a situation, which you have to do the opposite to gain something which will happen in the opposite way what u have done?

Like you spend money to earn money, u work harder so that u can enjoy better rest, you study harder, so that you don't have to study hard when test come, you release stress so that you can take more stress.....

Contradiction. That's what it is happening in this world.

I find myself in this situation now. All over this girl i love so much i cannot lose her. I want to hold her so tight. I want her in my pocket. I want her. I love her and i want her to do so too. I just don't understand why. She has been in my heart for 4 years already, but it just felt like 4 months. I just cannot get tired of her.

Now, i have to let go of her. I love her as much. I can't just simply stop myself from loving her. Maybe if i die. But i won't forsake my wonderful life. Its just so wonderful with her. I get too paranoid over her. I demand attention from her. I want myself to be the top place in her heart. I want her to listen to me. I want her to only have me.

That's fatal. Immotality. That's downright murder. Its a death.

She will feel so stress to carry on this relationship. She will feel its a duty to do what i want from her. She will just do for the sake of doing. She will just follow my instructions or orders, without knowing if its what she wants.

This situation caught me. I have to contradict myself. It hurts. I have to let go of her. I know i can't do that, for she is really so deeply etched in my heart. I just can't let go.

But i have to. If not, the consequences will be fatal. I will die. Things will turn ugly. She will break free in the end.

So, the best way is to let go, experience a bit of pain and heartache. Its better than dying, although i rather die at the time of suffering. I will let go of her. So that she has her space. I will restrain myself. I will love her as much. And i hope she does.

I am loving her too much. I am suffocating her. My good will has turned into suspicious when it reaches her side. My concern tickles her so much that it becomes an irritation. I must stop all these, if not she will just run away. You are tired. So am i. We can't go on like this forever.

I am sorry. I will hold back next time. We will improve. Things will get better. I love you dear. Take care.

Please take this positively. Do not think its a death sentence. We will make it through, like we had before.

Choice....

2005-11-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

This is just my second post.... and i got the inspiration to write after reading the most important woman in my life's blog entry...... She is none other than a girl named Sharon Lee Cai Shi..... A girl who had occupied my heart and made me loyal to her.....

Alright... Enough of my mushy stuff towards her...... I shall start proper....

Choices.....

In her entries, she claimed that i am enjoying. She mentioned that i have a target while she got mixed up in her life, not knowing where to turn to.

This is very dangerous, not only to her, but to anyone who are also feeling the same thing. Imagine you are running, and after covering a good distance, you feel tired, your latic acid bites your muscles and your mind asks you to stop. But what makes a runner complete the race?

Its because he knows when is the finishing line.

Imagine you running, and you do not know when to stop. How are you going to take the next step? In fact, I believe the next step is the start of the walking.

So dear, like i always said to you, you have to know what u are doing, and what you want. What you want doesn't need to be so ambitious. Even aiming for the next overseas trip is rewarding.

Choices are available to us.

We can choose to be happy, choose to be sad. We can allow ourselves to pity ourselves, or we can choose to delay self gratitude and work harder. We can choose to look from the other angle. We can choose to cool down and think about things happening around us. We can also choose to think of other people instead of ourselves.

In many ways, we can choose.

But more than often, we think for ourselves. We choose to believe that such a life is dull, and our life is so pitiful, making up of sleep, work, money and fame. We choose to demoralise ourselves when we think of what is happening to ourselves now.

What we failed to think of is "WHY".

Why are things at this stage? Why am I thinking this way? Why is the world crumpling around me? Why is people treating me this way?

More than often, it is ourselves doing all the calculations, and in the end, the equation ends up mulitplying our pitiful self.

If you are reading this blog after reading my lovely girlfriend's blog, you might think we are quarreling again. NO.

The words written are not for her. Its more for everyone who is feeling lost and sad about what they are facing now. Including myself.

But i chose to write out what i feel, hopefully in turn consoling myself. I need to think about things around me too. Its time for re-evaluation. Not self destruction.

P.S To my love, you are always what i worked hard for. I love you. I will be there for you, no matter what.

Why did i make a blog

2005-11-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

This blog was born purely because of 2 group of people. They changed my view against blogging and i thought the best way to judge is to try it out myself.

First group is of course my girlfriend. Why?

She made me edit her blogskin as i have knowledge in web programming. I had to decode the stupid skin html coding and try to understand what the hell is going on. After a few times, i realised i could get used to these s**t. I mean.... since i am already doing it.... why not make a skin myself? Afterall.... i am trained.....

Next group of people is my secondary school friends. Wonder what's wrong with them, recently had a couple of outing consecutively packed day after another. I will speak about them in later posting, otherwise this will get nowhere. They talked about their blog and their experience with blogs.

The excerpts are like these....

Juanne, "You know, blogs are meant to improve the standards of our english. But sometimes when i read my staff's blog, i immediately close the window as i realised they are polluting my english....."

Cuiling, "Perhaps they need some guidance.... they don't even know that they are making mistakes....."

Ching kai, "till now i still don't know what is verbs, nouns adjectives... blah blah blah...."

Me, "I think i know what is nouns.... it refers to any object.... verbs are movements..... adjectives are words that describe nouns...."

Cuiling, "What are adverbs then?"

Me, "Errmmm... is it those words like between, to, or, is ??"

Cuiling, "Wrong, adverbs are words that are describing verbs....."

While Cuiling, Ching kai and me are still discussing.... Alice, juanne and sharon are in their own world about blogs.....

Juanne, "Alice's blog are quite nice.... she knows how to write well... abt the 3 animals story....."

End of excerpts...

Then it dawned on me that i haven't been writing since i enter polytechnic, which was about 5 years or more!!

And what is the best way to improve english?

What you are reading is what i am trying..........